God's time is frustrating, yet so rewarding.

As depressing as this may sound for some people death has kinda been a theme for this week. Now death is a beautiful thing. Our loved ones may not be here on earth with us but they are with our heavenly Father. We must celebrate their life and the love they have for us remains with us always.


But God's timing is frustrating. People die whenever God calls them home. We must accept that. I've been thinking and praying a lot about death this week. I have had three friends loose people whom they love this week.  Actually all in the same day. I have been contemplating with well "what do I say" or "what can I do". It all comes back to prayer. I must just pray for them and the ones they have lost. HIS time is still so frustrating. But HUGE graces come from when HE says things are supposed to happen. I prayed about going to Covecrest for 2 years before I even applied. HIS timing made my experience the way it was. I have this amazing opportunity to be Student Government Union President my junior year on HIS time. Because only HE knows what is going to happen next. 


I began praying about going to Haiti right after I left Covecrest. I had the desire to go there since my sophomore year. I had tossed the idea around, then the Earthquake happened. Once I went to camp I learned about the Benzingers children that were in Haiti waiting to come home. Again God and HIS time, so frustrating. But remaining in constant prayer for them is all I can do. God put the desire to go to Haiti, and follow HIS call for my life this summer. While I was praying about how to answer is call, I began talking to some of my Covecrest family. They prayed, and a trip was formed. When I talked to my mom about it she didn't get a good feeling about it. I started talking with two friends from Haiti, and they didn't really like the idea either, but I kept praying about it. Well I got an email from my Mom and she strongly said no. Well I must "honor thy mother and father", but I kept praying. After more conversations with friends, and prayers I have decided not to go. But I know that on God's time, he will make it happened. HIS timing is frustrating, yet so rewarding. 

BRING IT!

The theme of my life has basically been BRING IT! We are 6 rehearsals away from Tech Week for Hairspray and this has probably been one of the most challenging musicals I have done. I have 3 roles, plus I'm the understudy for the lead role. So there's a bit of pressure to change every character I play, and really make them separate. Oh and sometimes when people aren't there I read their lines. Most of the time I'm talking to myself, I kind of look ridiculous.

While going through all these character identities I started to question who I was becoming. Am I following Gods will? Like completely and fully with out any regrets? I went through a converstion of my heart this summer, where I let God in and let HIM mold my heart. Have I put walls up and made decisions based on my own wants and desires and not HIS. I will admit that. I am not perfect. I am broken. I am HIS beloved. PS so are you!

"Open me up and you will see I’m a gallery of broken hearts"-Be Ok Ingrid Michaelson

God's Plan

I've learned over this past week how God's plan is this ever changing, life giving, road of self discovery which keeps growing. There is nobody in my life that knows what the next day holds, the next hour, the next minute or the next second except HIM. People come into our life constantly. They stay for a long time, or just a few weeks. Maybe to be more exact 6. Sometimes we don't really know why God takes them out of our life, but HE knows exactly when we need them. The people that come and go from our life are constantly connected to HIS plan. Once we start to realize this and accept that, those goodbyes aren't as hard.

I guess this week a lot of people have been on my heart. I'm missing my family. I miss my Covecrest family. I miss not having to make a decision. Which may sound weird, because it's like I'm finally able to make choices without my parents but sometimes I wish I just didn't have to be the grown up all the time. So as I was praying into this it was made so simple to me. God was like Hey, you don't have to make the choices around here. I do! HellooOOoo! Give it to God, whatever it is. HE will make it so clear. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5

Little Ways

I had a world wind type of weekend. I decided Wednesday afternoon at 4:30pm I was going on a conference leaving the next morning at 11am. Here is where I stop and Praise God for great friends, huge budgets, a director who understands my craziness and an advisor who constantly encourages me to make a choice for me. I spent three days in Washington DC learning how to be a better leader, and gaining a greater appreciation for the school I attend. The weekend was really blessed especially our last morning there. The three of us trekked  to a Starbucks, and there is where I found God. Just like that cheesy song goes "On the corner of 4th", but there he was sitting on a lamp post asking for a few cents. My heart just broke, it was freezing out there and I was complaining about the jeans, and sweatshirt I was wearing that wasn't warm enough. So I went inside and got him a cup of coffee and an apple fritter. When I brought it outside I asked him his name and then I got really nervous. I knew all the things I was supposed to say like God loves you and I'm praying for you. But I could do nothing but give him the coffee, the fritter and tell him to have a nice day. When I walked back outside laughing and talking with my friends he said, thank you have a nice day and smiled. That was God, without a doubt in my mind. 


But of course God wasn't done with me. I finally got on the plane and realized the novel I was reading for my class was missing. It turns out that I left it on my second flight on Thursday from Atlanta to Dulles. So I frantically emailed my professor. When I got to class I started to plea my case and ask for more time, when a student whom I never met walked over and said. I have the book why don't you just borrow my copy. BAM there's God again. Working on his time in my life through different people. 


I've noticed this pattern in my life lately. God is constantly revealing HIMself to me in little ways. HE isn't this big showy man that performs miracles everyday. Instead he is planting a seed in my heart and watering it on his time. 

Waving the white flag

I must now accept defeat. I am a fighter, I always have been and always will be but some battles aren't meant to be won at this point. I'm slowly coming to terms with God and HIS plan for me. HIS plan is so much bigger than I could ever imagine, and really laying my life in HIS hands has shown me that. I started that Total Consecration to Mary, I went 22 days strong and then stopped. I was frustrated and confused but my heart wasn't in it anymore. I started to think it was ridiculous and I began to struggle with it. Every day when I would sit down to pray walls would just come up around my heart. I could hear my self saying "This is dumb", "Your not gunna learn anything", "You can't understand this". So I put down the little booklet and just started praying, asking God for some sort of reason why I couldn't understand this, why my heart wasn't in it. So for this past week I've just been praying to Mary, no little booklet, only my words and her ears. I have grown closer to Mary through those first 22 days, and will continue to grow closer, but maybe not with the help of a little booklet. I pray that God's will is what I listen to. If he calls me to start the Total Consecration again, I pray I can boldly say "YES".  But for now I must realize, HIS plans are bigger than mine, even though I don't understand them, I will continue to say YES! 

 Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you And before you were born I consecrated you