I must now accept defeat. I am a fighter, I always have been and always will be but some battles aren't meant to be won at this point. I'm slowly coming to terms with God and HIS plan for me. HIS plan is so much bigger than I could ever imagine, and really laying my life in HIS hands has shown me that. I started that Total Consecration to Mary, I went 22 days strong and then stopped. I was frustrated and confused but my heart wasn't in it anymore. I started to think it was ridiculous and I began to struggle with it. Every day when I would sit down to pray walls would just come up around my heart. I could hear my self saying "This is dumb", "Your not gunna learn anything", "You can't understand this". So I put down the little booklet and just started praying, asking God for some sort of reason why I couldn't understand this, why my heart wasn't in it. So for this past week I've just been praying to Mary, no little booklet, only my words and her ears. I have grown closer to Mary through those first 22 days, and will continue to grow closer, but maybe not with the help of a little booklet. I pray that God's will is what I listen to. If he calls me to start the Total Consecration again, I pray I can boldly say "YES". But for now I must realize, HIS plans are bigger than mine, even though I don't understand them, I will continue to say YES!
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