You can do it, HE can help.

Tonight I will be speaking to about 60 8th graders preparing for Confirmation. I received an email from the grade level coordinator asking for me to do this about a week ago. Ironically on The Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Oh no big deal Mary's saying YES so I guess I will to. Well as the hour gets closer and closer I get more and more anxious about talking. 8th grade is rough, I didn't like being in that grade I can't image what its like now. But I said YES because these words I speak tonight are not my own they are HIS. Who am I to say no to being an instrument of HIS love. Erik would tell us we are planting seeds, I pray that tonight I'm going to plant some seeds. If I never see one of these seeds grow I'm ok with that. That's not my purpose. All I can do is pray for these kids as they continue with their confirmation prep, and as they go through the scary halls of High School and Jr. High. 

As I was preparing for this I've been struggling with what my purpose was. A friend sent me this great prayer.

Hi God. I know you love me and that's why you brought me into this world for a purpose. I love you too and I want you to take away every preoccupation from my heart and where you want me to serve you. It disturbs me that sometimes I get confused. When the right time comes for me to fulfill my purpose of creation reveal it to me with a convinced heart and mind to do it. 

As Advent comes to a close I pray you are getting your heart ready for the GREATEST Christmas present of all time. JESUS!

Ever growing. Ever changing. Ever loving.

These past 13 days since I've been back at Leo as been challenging to say the least. God has me at Saint Leo at this time in my life for some reason. I may not have that reason figured out now, or ever for that matter. I'm becoming more and more ok with that statement as my relationship with HIM grows.

In the past 13 days I've gained a friend, lost a friend, wrote 3 papers, took 4 finals, laughed till my stomach hurt, ate more food out of my fridge, and cabinet than I realized I had, ordered dominoes more times in my life, said a goodbye and many "see ya later's".

In the past 13 days I've talked with my sisters about life,

In the past 13 days I've applied to Covecrest for the second summer in a row, I've continued to discern where God is calling me.

In the past 13 days I've had great conversations with a woman whom I respect, and I've had to tell people they are wrong, I've had to help people when they have fallen, dried eyes of sad friends.

In the past 13 days , I've prayed, I've allowed HIM to love me, I've given my life to HIM, and said YES even though I'm afraid.

If you only had one day left would you be proud with what you did yesterday?

Black Friday?!

Black Friday confuses me. After hours/days of preparing for family to come over people spend hours standing in the freezing cold to save some money on material things. Would you do the same if Jesus was in Walmart at 4am? Shouldn't we be so excited for the sacraments that we are waiting for hours on line in the cold just to experience HIM? Getting up at the wee hours of the morning for the excitement of being in HIS presence?

Every Black Friday I think of Good Friday. That one day the church is packed, just the same as the stores are packed the day after Thanksgiving. Let's pack our churches everyday! The Lord is waiting for you, so GO!

Digo Si Senor

I've never taken a Spanish class. I've never been to Spain, and whenever we sing in Spanish at mass I get really nervous. So the title of this blog may confuse you. Your probably thinking uhh hello, your title is in Spanish. Well this is the only song I know in Spanish and I love it.


Digo Si Señor en tiempos malos y en tiempos buenos.
Digo Si Señor a todo lo que hablas.


 I SAY YES MY LORD.  In all the good times, in all the bad times. I say yes my Lord to every word you say.

These words speak so perfectly to my heart right now. Since I left camp in June I was praying about the next time I was able to come back. HE blessed me with a quick 24 hour trip there in July and I felt so filled. During my time there I began praying about doing more missionary work. The Lord has placed on my heart serve at Covecrest this summer also. So I began to pray about it daily and just asking God what HE wanted me to do. I began filming my video last night. I ask for some prayers through this whole process, that whatever HIS plan is, that I accept that and say YES. I also ask for prayers for my Covecrest family, and all who will be going through the selection process of the summer missionaries.

<3 HIS Beloved

What a month!

It has been far to long since I've posted on here. Lets see what has been going on in my life. Well class has consumed me, and sleep is not an option. Hairspray has begun being performed. Last week was tech week, which turned into hours and hours of rehearsal, cast bonding, and not a lot of sleep. With the packed house we had on the first 4 showings of the musical all the work has been worth it. This week is a bit more of a relaxed week, I can actually spend time with friends! 


In preparation for my presentation in my Marriage and Family class I cracked open Mission of the Redeemer. One of the first post it notes I looked said this "Faith is strengthened when it is given to others!" BAM truth! God has given me so many things to be thankful for and so many different ways to spread HIS love. So my prayer has just been to love, and spread love in all I do. In those late night rehearsals, senate meetings, e-board meetings, and meetings that just drag on for hours. In the early morning classes that seem pointless, and the homework that seems useless. Make God present and in the center of all you do. 

Fearless love without boundaries....Praise God

God's time is frustrating, yet so rewarding.

As depressing as this may sound for some people death has kinda been a theme for this week. Now death is a beautiful thing. Our loved ones may not be here on earth with us but they are with our heavenly Father. We must celebrate their life and the love they have for us remains with us always.


But God's timing is frustrating. People die whenever God calls them home. We must accept that. I've been thinking and praying a lot about death this week. I have had three friends loose people whom they love this week.  Actually all in the same day. I have been contemplating with well "what do I say" or "what can I do". It all comes back to prayer. I must just pray for them and the ones they have lost. HIS time is still so frustrating. But HUGE graces come from when HE says things are supposed to happen. I prayed about going to Covecrest for 2 years before I even applied. HIS timing made my experience the way it was. I have this amazing opportunity to be Student Government Union President my junior year on HIS time. Because only HE knows what is going to happen next. 


I began praying about going to Haiti right after I left Covecrest. I had the desire to go there since my sophomore year. I had tossed the idea around, then the Earthquake happened. Once I went to camp I learned about the Benzingers children that were in Haiti waiting to come home. Again God and HIS time, so frustrating. But remaining in constant prayer for them is all I can do. God put the desire to go to Haiti, and follow HIS call for my life this summer. While I was praying about how to answer is call, I began talking to some of my Covecrest family. They prayed, and a trip was formed. When I talked to my mom about it she didn't get a good feeling about it. I started talking with two friends from Haiti, and they didn't really like the idea either, but I kept praying about it. Well I got an email from my Mom and she strongly said no. Well I must "honor thy mother and father", but I kept praying. After more conversations with friends, and prayers I have decided not to go. But I know that on God's time, he will make it happened. HIS timing is frustrating, yet so rewarding. 

BRING IT!

The theme of my life has basically been BRING IT! We are 6 rehearsals away from Tech Week for Hairspray and this has probably been one of the most challenging musicals I have done. I have 3 roles, plus I'm the understudy for the lead role. So there's a bit of pressure to change every character I play, and really make them separate. Oh and sometimes when people aren't there I read their lines. Most of the time I'm talking to myself, I kind of look ridiculous.

While going through all these character identities I started to question who I was becoming. Am I following Gods will? Like completely and fully with out any regrets? I went through a converstion of my heart this summer, where I let God in and let HIM mold my heart. Have I put walls up and made decisions based on my own wants and desires and not HIS. I will admit that. I am not perfect. I am broken. I am HIS beloved. PS so are you!

"Open me up and you will see I’m a gallery of broken hearts"-Be Ok Ingrid Michaelson

God's Plan

I've learned over this past week how God's plan is this ever changing, life giving, road of self discovery which keeps growing. There is nobody in my life that knows what the next day holds, the next hour, the next minute or the next second except HIM. People come into our life constantly. They stay for a long time, or just a few weeks. Maybe to be more exact 6. Sometimes we don't really know why God takes them out of our life, but HE knows exactly when we need them. The people that come and go from our life are constantly connected to HIS plan. Once we start to realize this and accept that, those goodbyes aren't as hard.

I guess this week a lot of people have been on my heart. I'm missing my family. I miss my Covecrest family. I miss not having to make a decision. Which may sound weird, because it's like I'm finally able to make choices without my parents but sometimes I wish I just didn't have to be the grown up all the time. So as I was praying into this it was made so simple to me. God was like Hey, you don't have to make the choices around here. I do! HellooOOoo! Give it to God, whatever it is. HE will make it so clear. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5

Little Ways

I had a world wind type of weekend. I decided Wednesday afternoon at 4:30pm I was going on a conference leaving the next morning at 11am. Here is where I stop and Praise God for great friends, huge budgets, a director who understands my craziness and an advisor who constantly encourages me to make a choice for me. I spent three days in Washington DC learning how to be a better leader, and gaining a greater appreciation for the school I attend. The weekend was really blessed especially our last morning there. The three of us trekked  to a Starbucks, and there is where I found God. Just like that cheesy song goes "On the corner of 4th", but there he was sitting on a lamp post asking for a few cents. My heart just broke, it was freezing out there and I was complaining about the jeans, and sweatshirt I was wearing that wasn't warm enough. So I went inside and got him a cup of coffee and an apple fritter. When I brought it outside I asked him his name and then I got really nervous. I knew all the things I was supposed to say like God loves you and I'm praying for you. But I could do nothing but give him the coffee, the fritter and tell him to have a nice day. When I walked back outside laughing and talking with my friends he said, thank you have a nice day and smiled. That was God, without a doubt in my mind. 


But of course God wasn't done with me. I finally got on the plane and realized the novel I was reading for my class was missing. It turns out that I left it on my second flight on Thursday from Atlanta to Dulles. So I frantically emailed my professor. When I got to class I started to plea my case and ask for more time, when a student whom I never met walked over and said. I have the book why don't you just borrow my copy. BAM there's God again. Working on his time in my life through different people. 


I've noticed this pattern in my life lately. God is constantly revealing HIMself to me in little ways. HE isn't this big showy man that performs miracles everyday. Instead he is planting a seed in my heart and watering it on his time. 

Waving the white flag

I must now accept defeat. I am a fighter, I always have been and always will be but some battles aren't meant to be won at this point. I'm slowly coming to terms with God and HIS plan for me. HIS plan is so much bigger than I could ever imagine, and really laying my life in HIS hands has shown me that. I started that Total Consecration to Mary, I went 22 days strong and then stopped. I was frustrated and confused but my heart wasn't in it anymore. I started to think it was ridiculous and I began to struggle with it. Every day when I would sit down to pray walls would just come up around my heart. I could hear my self saying "This is dumb", "Your not gunna learn anything", "You can't understand this". So I put down the little booklet and just started praying, asking God for some sort of reason why I couldn't understand this, why my heart wasn't in it. So for this past week I've just been praying to Mary, no little booklet, only my words and her ears. I have grown closer to Mary through those first 22 days, and will continue to grow closer, but maybe not with the help of a little booklet. I pray that God's will is what I listen to. If he calls me to start the Total Consecration again, I pray I can boldly say "YES".  But for now I must realize, HIS plans are bigger than mine, even though I don't understand them, I will continue to say YES! 

 Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you And before you were born I consecrated you
     

Family

You miss them when they aren't around.

Most of the time you can't stand them when they are.

But my desire for family has been so intense since I left camp almost 3 months ago. We were reading in my  Marriage and Family class about the make-up of a family. What is a family? It's a question often that's put into my mind. Ok so I have a mom, a dad and a sister, that's my family. Well what about my AST sister's they are my family, add in there cast, small group, SGU E-board and my Covecrest family. Well that's a whole lot of love. So if we are all so surrounded by love why can't we just share it? Why can't we just let God use us as an instrument of HIS love? Why can't we just help that person on the side of the road and tell them we love them for who they are? I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you can't put a label on what a family looks like. You can only take what you have and work with it. We may be disfunctional half of the time, and we may want to strangle each other the other half of the time, but if we just LOVE then we can't go wrong.

Complete Exhaustion

Some thing is wrong. It's only week 5 of school and I'm completely exhausted. My only comparison is week 5 of camp. When we reached that breaking point of being so close to the end.


Heavenly Father, Ruin me! Use me as an instrument of your love. 

Luke 9:1-6

Jesus summoned the Twelve and gave them power and authority over all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them to proclaim the Kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He said to them, "Take nothing for the journey, neither walking stick, nor sack, nor food, nor money, and let no one take a second tunic.Whatever house you enter, stay there and leave from there. And as for those who do not welcome you, when you leave that town, shake the dust from your feet in testimony against them." Then they set out and went from village to village proclaiming the Good News and curing diseases everywhere.

Take nothing. No cellphones, computers, ipod's, money, cars, NOTHING. In the world we live in today this is so hard to imagine. But how can we be present to people and their needs when we are hiding behind blackberry's, computers and facebook. It is that hard to put it down, turn the TV off and have a conversation? Yes. I try, I'm not perfect. When someone comes into the office I make an effort to put all that stuff down and really listen to the concern of the student, or faculty member that has wondered into the office. I do this because they are a child of God, they are worth my time even it is someone who I don't really get along with. They are worth the time, because you never know why they have crossed your path. 

There was a beautiful older man that came into my office just the other day. I wound up setting the computer down and listening to his story. He worked at my school in the 60's and was so excited to see the service opportunity's going on at my school. I never caught his name, but he was just this glowing angel. When I was talking to a faculty member about this man they had never heard of him, and they had wondered how he even got on campus. I simply smiled and said hey thanks God.

What is my purpose?

Through out this entire month of being on campus as the SGU President I've struggled with my purpose here. What can I do to glorify God here at St. Leo?  Through a lot of prayers, and patience and just some really blessed conversations its obvious but not easy. I am here to love. Just love. I can't grant everyone with the money they ask, or the time the desire, or even to attend all the meetings I'm asked to be at, but I can love and so can you. I've noticed that if I pray to God asking him to use me as an instrument of HIS love then I can do it. If I think I'm going to just love all 1700 students on campus by myself boy am I wrong. Only HIS love can handle all the brokenness on campus, only HIS love can handle the brokenness in my own heart. So I pray that if I do one thing on this campus it's to show God's love to all of HIS people here at St. Leo.

While writing this blog this song came on Spirit FM and I have no idea what it's called or who even sings it but these words are just speaking to my heart at this moment. This is exactly what I feel. HIS love for us is so pure and so unconditional. I can turn to HIM at anytime, in any mood I'm in and HE loves me right where I'm at.  "I know my love for You is real 'cause I can feel it inside and that's all I need 'cause Your love sets me free"

"Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous be strong. Let all you do be done in love." 1 Cor. 16: 13-14

HIS love endures FOREVER

Oh what a weekend. Typical college student's Monday morning comments. But for me it was filled with my main squeeze(Jesus), friends, sisters, and much needed alone time. Many blessed conversations, tears, laughter, frustrations and glory stories. Through it all God was so present. 


Saturday was September 11. Nine years ago that day many, many lives were lost in that tragic event. No matter how many years have passed, you can remember exactly where you were, who you were with and what you were doing. The hardest part for the longest time was finding God in that mess. But you see he was right there with all those people in the plane, in the office buildings, with the firefighters running in while everyone else was running out. He was present in the hearts of the police officers who were trying to maintain a little bit of control, the government officials who had to now decide how they were going to protect our country and its people. 


Our God doesn't run away when we get into a sticky situation. He puts on his rubber boots and carry's us through it. He leads us through all of life and never leaves our side. Sometimes it is us who run away, we are the ones who flee, but he is waiting right there with arms wide opening waiting for us to come home. This Sunday's gospel was the Return of the Prodigal Son. Which talks about just this. The son strayed from home, spent all his money and became so lost, while the other son was home working everyday. But when the son came home his father accepted him and loved him right where he was. This image of an older man with his arm stretched out just waiting for his son to leap into his arms is what I picture when I hear this story. That is what our God does, he loves unconditionally, YOU right where you are at. Don't ever doubt that, and if you do, run to the sacraments. He will be waiting. 

Luke 1: 38

"Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word." - Luke 1:38

 During my time at camp I asked for the grace of patience and humility. So pretty much be careful what you pray for. God has granted me theses graces with many challenges. But Praise God through it all. Since Day one of camp God has reviled himself through these graces in so many ways. Through my missionary brothers, learning how to build a retention wall, through my missionary sisters when it was time to take to figure out who was going to shower and when. Now back at school through my teachers, sisters, friends and students who come into the SGU office on a daily basis. Why all this humility nonsense? Well this summer I was desiring this deeper relationship with our mother Mary. So I continued to pray about it and really ask the Lord how he wanted me to do this. As I prayed and talked to my missionary sisters I learned more about the Total Consecration to Mary. I started this Mary adventure on Saturday, and I haven't looked back. Day 5 of the Consecration stated "Let they name be praised, not mine; let Thy work be magnified, not mine; let Thy Holy Name be blessed, but let nothing be attributed to me of the praise of men". As I continue to pray about becoming more humble it continues to be a daily struggle, but through the Lord all is possible. 

Here goes nothing.

Returning back to school about a month ago people would ask me "What did you do this summer?" or "Did you do anything exciting". It was so hard to reply with out bursting out into this long story of explaining how I would, wake up at 6:30 in the morning to go sit in the chapel with our Lord, transform the lives of teenagers through Christ, get mud stuck in places I never knew mud could go, go to bed at midnight and wake up and do it all over again, with out getting a few weird looks. 

This summer with out a doubt was life changing, challenging, frightening, full of joy, exhausting, and overall the best summer I've ever had. But now that summers over I'm back in the secular world and God's still moving mountains. Praise God for that. As I go through this next year being a Peer Minister, Student Government Union President, Prudy Pingleton (in Hairspray) friend, sister, mentor, and women of God, I'm going to live it all through HIM because I am HIS Beloved. So here goes nothing!